


Après nous le déluge/After us, the flood

by blacklipstick



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bar fights, Curses, Elizabeth is a Pirate, Flying Dutchman, James is a mess, Love Triangles, Multi, Port Royal, Possibly Unrequited Love, Rum, The Black Pearl - Freeform, Tortuga, saving William
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 13:52:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17285300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blacklipstick/pseuds/blacklipstick
Summary: "Because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels"Sometimes people recognized him but he learned to ignore them over time, nothing some rum couldn't fix in the end. Some of them laughed at him, some wanted revenge but he hadn't lost all of his spark yet. If one dared to challenge James, he was going to fight back and win. Because behind all the rum and dirt, he was still capable to fight, he was still capable to win. Soon enough the people learned to leave him be and he was grateful for that, he didn't want to fight anymore.An angsty fic where James is being overdramatic as always, makes the same mistakes all over again and Elizabeth just really wants to save her husband. And then there's some complicated love triangle, why does James never get a break.orAU the author wrote because they don't accept the ending of AWE and just want to write some drama.I also may have tweaked the timeline a bit to fit my purposes!





	1. The (second) downfall of James Norrington

**Author's Note:**

> Ahoy! I'm glad you decided to check out this little fic I wrote!  
> You might recognize some parts in between because I put my drabbles and one shots to use. 
> 
> This is basically just me still being salty about James dying, oh well. So this is basically an AU where he manages to flee but there's a decent amount of angst. No worries, there's a happy end coming in. The main ship is Sparrington. Anything in this fic will be bluntly ignoring that OST and DMTNT ever happened. 
> 
> These characters belong to the mouse and I'm just using them for my own entertainment without any profit. If I owned them, James would be happy and alive and quite possibly making out with Jack Sparrow as they sail off into the horizon.
> 
> Enjoy!

He really tried to get better, tried to get his old life back at all cost. He betrayed his friends and newfound freedom only to return home and notice it just wasn't the same anymore. Coming back to Port Royal was difficult, especially with a position he didn't even deserve at all. It didn't feel like he belonged there and he knew he'd probably never be the same again. Endless paperwork, endless days and the people in Port Royal were just so awfully boring. And of course, he heard them talk, how he didn't deserve the position, how he was a disgrace for the Navy and the East India Trading Company. A disgrace for England. But James stayed strong just to prove them wrong and show them that he was still the strong, smart pirate hunter he used to be. Just that he really wasn't. If anything he was just a shell of his old self, he couldn't forget the things he did even though the Governor assured him countless times that it wasn't his fault. But of course, James knew that he only said that because they were friends and maybe he still felt bad because Elizabeth hadn't chosen him. It was hard, especially when his venture into piracy left him carving a drink more often than not. Turns out months of drinking at Tortuga just didn't let you off that easily. It would have been much easier to just walk into the darkest Tavern in town, forget himself and just never come out again. He felt guilty all the time.

A few times he tried it, put off the Navy attire, dressed like a normal person and sat down in a shady Tavern. He liked looking at the people there and how the horrible rum burned down his throat but it reminded him of this particularly awful time in his life. And with every swig, he felt himself drift off in the past, became painfully aware of the people he lead into death out of pure selfishness. Yes, it hurt but he wanted this pain, maybe to punish himself, maybe to feel something. And the worst part, he wondered why he even kept trying anyway. Thankfully as the night progressed, he started to forget and care much less about his duty, about Elizabeth and of course his huge failure as a leader. So much less about Jack Sparrow who had ruined him. James went there more often than he'd like to admit but he did it secretly, so hopefully, he could remain hidden in the shadows of the Tavern. Nobody recognized him, how could they? He looked like any other man and that's what he loved so much about it. He wasn't Admiral James Norrington, he was just a normal man like all the others and he could leave his life behind for a few hours. He was no special man and this particularly proved his point. After a few times, a sailor recognized his voice, asked him if he was Admiral Norrington to which James shook his head and left. He couldn't go there anymore or the rumours would spread like wildfire (and there were enough rumours about him as it was). And so it happened that cheap rum at a dark Tavern was switched out with brandy on his balcony after work. Sometimes he was too tired and just fell into his bed, only to wake in the morning and start the same thing all over again. Most of the time, he had trouble falling asleep though and sitting outside was somewhat calming.

At some point, he started something really stupid, something he knew he would regret but he just couldn't be bothered to care. And it wasn't love what he felt but his nights weren't so lonely anymore and he didn't drink when Theodore was around. It was weird the first times and Theo had to assure him countless times that he didn't stay because James had a higher rank but because he wanted this as well. It most likely wouldn't have been hard to find another man to spend the nights with but James didn't trust any of them as much as he trusted Theodore Groves. He trusted Groves to not tell a soul and ruin him with it. Of course they kept it a secret and they kept it well, during the day they behaved as if nothing had changed, still friends but distant. Only a bit more closeness than necessary here and there and a few touches nobody noticed. When standing next to each other, their hands would brush agains each other, making James smile a little bit every time. He didn't hate life in Port Royal as much anymore. James realized how risky this little affair was but it wasn't like he hadn't done anything as reckless as this before anyway, furthermore, he felt better about himself this time. He felt more honourable spending the nights with another navy man than a filthy pirate but was it the same? Not even close. Sometimes James felt a bit guilty, as if he was just using Theodore to feel better about himself but when he woke up and Theo was still there, curled up by his side, he smiled to himself. It was nice to see that there were still people capable of showing him some love even after all he'd done. Theodore knew about Jack, at one point James just had to tell him but Theo didn't seem to be bothered by it at all. He even chuckled and said that he always had suspected that there was something going on.

The first time he'd kissed Theodore, he'd gotten drunk but James couldn't blame everything on the alcohol. His friend had come over with some questions but what he found was James standing on his balcony, staring off in the distance. 

"Are you alright?" he'd asked, forgetting all the formalities and when there wasn't an answer he hugged him tightly. 

It must have looked ridiculous, both still dressed in their formal attire and then it had happened, a kiss and nothing more. Against all odds, Theodore hadn't been shocked but instead kissed back and the kiss turned into more soon enough and James was in too deep to stop anything. It all had happened so quickly. 

Maybe it was wrong to even begin this mess but he didn't care. He didn't want to care, what he wanted was to do what he wanted to for once and he just carved not being lonely anymore. The next night Theodore had come again but earlier. Early enough for James to put his wine down when he noticed the look Theo gave him. It became a regular thing.  


It came as a nice surprise when they told him he would be at sea again. James loved the sea, that's why he had joined the Navy in the first place. What they didn't tell him was that he'd have to be aboard the Dutchman, that he'd be confronted with Elizabeth again. Since the last time he saw her, she seemed more mature and serious, it was as if she was determined to fight till the very end. She'd always been a rebel and a fighter but never like this. And when she looked at him, he could feel the pure anger inside of her. A kind of look she'd never given him before because even though she didn't seem to pay a lot of attention to him mostly, she never hated him and used to see him as a friend. James knew he had royally messed up and that the actions he'd allowed himself to do were wrong but it was not entirely his fault. Maybe he didn't treat her very well aboard the Pearl, maybe he'd been rude, maybe he shouldn't have stolen the heart for himself. But why did Elizabeth, who apparently liked pirates so much, didn't like the most pirate thing he ever did. "I don't like it when you're like this." He remembered her say this at some point after Tortuga but if she meant his sarcasm, his pessimism or something else was unclear to him. Standing there on the Dutchman, trying to help while she didn't want anything to do with him was a very unpleasant experience. Of course, she didn't believe a word he said.

Learning that Governor Swann had passed hit him hard, he was a friend he'd known for years and now he was gone. He couldn't believe Elizabeth even dared to think that he was involved with all of this, it did hurt and he wondered who gave her the right to behave like she was never wrong and as if the whole world was turning around her and nobody else. He'd always been good to her. And because he was, deep down, a good man he helped her and almost lost his life in the process. The kiss had ripped open old wounds he so desperately tried to heal and he let his guard down, barely managed to duck away from the sword and jumped off the moving ship. Elizabeth cried out for him and when they both were aboard the other ship again, she hugged him and apologized for everything she had said and done.

James didn't become a pirate, he didn't join them in the end, as much as Elizabeth tried to pester him into doing so. Instead, he ran off as soon as he had the chance to, like the coward, he thought he was. Tortuga welcomed him with open arms.


	2. A vile drink or James joins a badass girl squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James befriends some very special ladys in Tortuga.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've made it to Chapter 2? That's awesome, thank you so much for reading on. This chapter may be a bit painful haha, oh how do I love hurting my favourite characters.

So there he was again, just another lost soul in this foul place. Every day he wished that Elizabeth never found him there, he wasn't sure if she could forgive him again. Furthermore, everything just seemed so far away anyway, nobody would remember him. He never bothered to get rid of his clothes even though the yellow of his coat turned into brown soon enough. Everybody knew who he was or at least they suspected it. It was just like the last time only somewhat worse. Seems like the East India Trading Company was even more hated than the Navy and so it occurred multiple times that James unintentionally (sometimes very intentionally) started a fight and sometimes he wondered how he'd survived for so long. The sick part was, being back made him feel better because it was familiar because there was not really a way to go wrong. There was no wrong in Tortuga, just gambling, booze and whores. And not even most of the whores wanted him. James Norrington, famous pirate hunter and the main reason Beckett had gotten control over the seven seas in the first place. 

As the coins in his pockets got fewer, James noticed he'd have to find himself a job or else he'd have to permanently live on the streets and he didn't want that, way too dangerous, especially for someone like himself. So he tried to find himself a new occupation, preferably one that was mostly legal and one he didn’t have to put too much effort in. He had put too much effort into his career so far anyway and look where that had gotten him? James had worked hard almost all his life, tried to be successful and for a short period of time he really was. But the more you try, the more it hurts when you fall from grace; he had to learn this the hard way. And to be completely honest, he didn’t even have the motivation anyway. At this point, the ex-navy man even questioned how he’d ever had it when he was still young and hopeful. He tried to sign on to a few ships but none of them wanted him and they didn't take him down at the harbour to do some basic carpentry either. And maybe he wasn’t the nicest man around, maybe his pride used to be in his way more often than not. Even now, he still couldn’t let go of it fully or he wouldn’t wear these clothes anymore and he wouldn’t keep the stupid wig safely stored away in his room which he hopefully wouldn’t lose all too soon. It only caused trouble and fights but he wasn’t ready to let go of everything he was. The weeks had gone by so quickly, James didn’t even remember how long he’d been there or what he did most days. And so he got himself money because that way he could keep his room and get food (which wasn’t even a priority anymore) but the money never lasted long.

The people slowly but surely started to care less about his existence and he liked that. This afternoon James entered the tavern pretty late. He’d slept off most of his headache and was somewhat feeling alive for once. Which got him thinking. He didn’t want to think because all thoughts that entered his head were surrounded by guilt and about the hurricane or the people he’d lost and disappointed. So James decided that he was done with thinking for the day and ordered himself some wine, it tasted absolutely awful but he didn't drink it for the taste anymore anyway. He remembered, years ago, he would enjoy a good glass of wine occasionally but these days were long gone.

It was a nice memory, sitting outside on a summer evening with some people he liked to call friends. The fruity taste perfectly fit the mood as they shared stories, talked and laughed. He thought back to the awfully boring parties he’d had to attend where all those rich and fancy people went. Where ladies tried to talk and to dance with him and he had to engage in small talk with people he didn’t care about. But nowadays he even thought fondly about these memories. Everything was still alright back then. And Elizabeth, Elizabeth had never liked the parties. She always found excuses to do something completely different and he thought it was quite funny. Well at least till he had to realize that this meant he’d have to attend the parties alone.

James was ripped out of his memories when he heard some people laughing behind him and he buried his face in his hands. Did they laugh about him? When had his beard grown so much? And his hair? How could he let it go this far? He looked down to his legs and realized he’d have to stitch up his pants again and thought to himself that it wouldn’t take long till they were ruined for good.

_He felt very thirsty._

James had seen many good men go down this path, he himself had gotten awfully close before too but he had never really seen himself as someone like this. He was James Norrington, a strong navy officer and a fighter but it seemed every man gets tired of fighting at some point. He’d promised himself to be more reasonable, to not let him fall into this disgusting, smelling shithole calling itself Tortuga. He had just wanted to let himself go for a few days, not more but days had turned into months way too quickly.

“Isn’t that the Commodore?” yelled a voice from behind and James turned around immediately. He’d learned by now that this tone was not a good sign.

He rolled his eyes, “I don’t know, am I?” Being called Commodore felt nice for some reason, he’d always identified with this title more than he had with Admiral anyway.

“You sure look worn out my friend.”

James sighed, ready to turn around again and ignore this man.

“You killed my brother, do you remember him? His name was Birch, small fellow, hardly able to fight for himself.”

And suddenly James started laughing. It was a bitter laugh, a sarcastic laugh but he just couldn’t stop himself. The man asked what James found so funny and when he didn’t answer, the first punch landed. James looked up, grinning with blood dripping down his nose.

“You really think I’d remember a small unimportant pirate? I’ve brought hundreds to justice if you may call it that. You’re a thief, why do you think you’re so much better? You plunder, you kill and I’m sure so did your brother. Can you not see I’ve lost everything? Can you not see I’ve been punished for my sins already? Now would you please let a man

enjoy his bloody drink?” James didn’t raise his voice but it was dripping with sarcasm. He really wasn’t in the mood for this.

But the pirate got ready to throw another punch so James had no other choice than to punch back. But before the situation could escalate any further, the barman threw him out. Not the pirate for starting the fight but him for being, well, himself. The streets of Tortuga were lively as always but he tried to avoid eye contact with people at all cost. He kept his eyes fixed to the ground, unsure where to go but just moving forward and bumping into a few people from time to time. Sometimes he stumbled a bit but since he hadn’t even gotten remotely close to finishing his wine, he was painfully sober and aware of his surroundings.

After about an hour of aimlessly wandering through the warm night, he entered the next best tavern he could find. He hadn’t been there before and he didn’t even bother to read the sign. The building looked a bit older than the last one but it would serve its purpose just fine. Sitting down at a lonely table in the corner, James took the liberty to look around a bit. A young lady was carrying drinks around while there was a man who must have been in his 50s behind the bar. His entrance had gone mostly unnoticed, besides the girl who immediately spotted him and went to ask him what he wanted. This time he didn’t make the mistake to choose wine, he just went with whatever was cheapest. There weren’t too many people inside and those who were were busy enough talking to each other. And he just sat there, bloody knuckles, maybe still a bloody nose and waited for the time to pass. He didn’t want to be alone, that’s why he didn’t go back to his room yet.

At some point, James must have fallen asleep because he was woken up by a girl shaking him. Maybe it was the girl from earlier but he hadn’t paid too much attention to her. She smiled at him and handed him a wet piece of fabric, at first he wasn’t sure what for but then he remembered that some blood might still be sticking to his face.

“Are you alright?” she wanted to know, still smiling.

“Of course.” James stood up but had to hold on to the table or else he’d probably fall.

A small chuckle escaped her mouth, “You certainly are not. Come with me.” The girl helped him stand and faster than he could think, she already lead him somewhere upstairs.

As it turned out, she wasn’t the only woman in this house. The room was lit up by two gas lamps and a few candles and there was another women sitting on the floor, combing her hair. His head felt like it was about to explode and he felt sick but he didn’t want to seem rude so he just waited for what the other girl would do.

The girl coming her hair looked up. “So you did manage to wake him up? Brought him up too?”

“Look at him, he wouldn’t make it home.”

And James was fairly certain that she was right, as he leaned against the wall and tried to form an awkward smile.

“Sit down a bit.” the girl who woke him up suggested, “I’m Lorie and this is my friend Melissa.”

Mellissa had hair so dark, it reminded him of the deep and scary parts of the ocean. But they looked so awfully familiar.

“I’m James and…”

“Oh we know who you are Admiral, or well who you were.” chuckled Melissa, “I didn’t think I’d ever meet you though. Wasn't even sure how long you'd make it but you're a fighter, are you?”

“Why do you want me here then?” James was utterly confused as to why these ladys would want a man like him here, someone who was so commonly hated. But the way they spoke to him wasn’t hateful at all; they seemed so friendly and welcoming. Something, he hadn’t experienced for a long while.

“We all make mistakes and to be fair, it’s only reasonable to hate pirates.” Lorie was the first to answer his question. ”Pirates ruin everything.”

"Didn't hang anyone from my family either, at least I believe so?" added Melissa.

The other lady nodded in agreement and James sighed, “You don’t say. Jack Sparrow basically ruined my life.”

Melissa rolled her eyes, “Of course he did.”

“You know him?”

“From work.” And only then did he realize why he knew them. He’d seen them before, outside on the streets, looking for someone willing to pay but that didn’t bother him in the   
slightest, not in this moment while he was struggling to stay awake.

“Oh Jack Sparrow, who else would ruin the life of someone as pretty as you?” another voice he didn’t know, footsteps approaching but James didn’t want to move his head too much because it was painful and he feared that he might have to vomit if he moved too much.

“Scarlett, Giselle, there you are!” Lorie exclaimed cheerfully and the ex-navy man would be very grateful if she could just be a little less loud.

Before this encounter James hadn’t really thought about Jack very often, tried to repress those memories at all cost because he'd literally rather think about Elizabeth than him but for some reason, it all came rushing back now. The memories of when they first met, and that stupid face of his, and his unbelievable personality. How he always invaded his personal space even if there was no need to, his witty remarks and his ability to get out of everything. Jack Sparrow was really one of a kind and he’d played a big role in the big downfall of the great James Norrington.

“Can I have something to drink?” he asked because his mouth suddenly felt rather dry.

“Sure,” said Scarlett.

“Only water that is,” added Giselle.

“Yes, you surely are a mess. You should take care of yourself or you’ll end up dead quicker than Jack Sparrow will break your heart.” Lorie laughed and so did the others and truth be told, James did smile a little bit despite how awful he felt.

"So is it true? Your story that is?" asked Melissa while Lorie went to get him some water.

"Depends on what you hear. Fell in love, fell out of love and fell deep because of Jack... I mean because of someone else!" he tried to save himself but it was too late and he couldn't help the heat rising to his cheeks but he hoped it wasn't too noticable since the alcohol made his face look a bit more red anyway.

"Oh wow. I want to hear all of it!" exclaimed Scarlett.

Meanwhile Lorie gave him a cup of water and he downed it in a go. He was still thirsty but he didn't want to annoy this nice young lady any further. Instead he rolled his eyes and pretended he didn't hear Scarlett. He really didn't want to talk about his lifestory right then. Not with a bunch of whores on the second floor of a tavern where they apparently seemed to live, in dim light and in the state he was in.

"Come on, tell us. We won't tell a soul."

"How come I should trust you. Only if you tell me something about yourselves first." He grinned smugly, yes, James was proud of what he had just said because he was sure they didn't want to talk about their lives and he could stay out of it. That was the plan at least because what he didn't expect was the fact that immediately after this Melissa started talking.

Apparently she was the daughter of a salesman but said Salesman had lost his job and went his own ways when she was just a child. Her mother was a seamstress but life was just so awfully boring that Melissa decided to set out for adventure. At some point adventure landed her in Tortuga and she was never able to leave since then. But she didn't particularily hate all of it, especially not her friends. He learned that Lorie was the daughter of the owner of the tavern but they just didn't make enough money to survive if she didn't have this little side job of hers. James desperately tried to listen even though was tired, thirsty and in pain, he didn't want to scare them off right away.

"And Scarlett and Giselle... well their families didn't like what they had, so they had to leave." Only then James noticed how the two women were holding hands and he suddenly felt so bad for them because he knew what they had to go through. Furthermore he realized that he could most likely trust them then, knowing that they understood his struggle aswell. "And they're only working now because once they have enough money, they can leave this place behind. And be free."

James wasn't sure why Lorie explained all of this but he didn't care either. He just knew that he had to do his part now too, tell them his story, how he ended up here. So he asked for another glass of water and started talking. He didn't know what he had unknowingly created a strong friendship that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, sorry for mistakes!


	3. Destinies, entwined AND joined for once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As James tells his new friends his story, we learn some things about him and Jack Sparrow.
> 
> Also known as, a throwback chapter about how gay James is for Jack (and the other way around)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that in the first movie they didn't decide that the compass points at what you want most but let us all pretend.

James had known Jack even before the whole Port Royal ordeal, and in a rather inappropriate way so which made their whole encounter even more awkward than it was. By Jack's behaviour, almost in a mocking way, James could tell that Jack was very aware of how hard it was for him to keep a straight face. “But you have heard of me.” Oh yes, did he hear about Jack, he had heard himself scream the pirate’s name on numerous occasions. Occasions he really would not want to disclose. And when he took the compass, knowing exactly what it did and hoping it would point to Elisabeth, he was disappointed to find out that it still, without doubt pointed at the pirate instead of his beautiful possible future wife. So he just went on, playing his little game. It was not a thing he was proud of in any way but he just couldn’t bring himself to feel bad about it. They had broken off contact and it was better that way, at least that’s what he had thought. He had Elizabeth now, he’d marry her and have a family with her and live a happy a life which was way more appropriate than his little affair with a pirate. But no, just when everything was perfect, Jack had to show up again and ruin everything. Jack was even more bold than usual, getting way closer than needed just so he could invade his private space and annoy him much further. 

James had known Jack since he was a child. Jack was there when he fell into the ocean and Captain Teague saved him. Jack was the only one to ask him if he was alright while his father had rambled on how he’d rather see him dead than saved by a pirate. All through his life, he’d met Jack countless times. They had talked and James always felt so understood. Sometimes there were kisses involved and Jack tasted like Rum and salt but he didn’t even mind back then. He was just a stupid young man when they had started showing affection, a stupid young man who just wanted to be loved. It was a secret, of course, it was because it could have cost him his career. Surprisingly the kisses turned into more only much later, Jack was always so considerate and never did anything James didn’t want.

It was a late summer evening when a man in his early 20s showed up aboard the Pearl. The crew had seen him with the Captain before many times throughout years but they hadn’t seen him in a pretty long time. Jack was quite surprised seeing this young man, dressed much nicer than usual for a pirate vessel but also rather normal. His hair was brown and long enough to be tied back and he wore a bright smile on his face, Jack hadn’t seen him this happy in a very long while. James was invited into the captain’s cabin then and after a short talk James made his move, kissed Jack Sparrow as if his life depended on it and was quick to move even further. It surprised the captain, James had always been so shy and held back but this evening was different.  
“I thought I could escape your grip but I’ve missed you so much.”

Indeed James had tried to remove himself from loving the pirate. Not because he was a man, he had to accept that long before but because he couldn’t let himself fall for a pirate and he felt himself falling further and further. But it just didn’t work, his heart desired this very certain pirate with all it had. He felt the ship gently rocking under them and it smelled of wood. The pearl truly was a beautiful lady, made with true craftsmanship and a queen of the seas. He could see why Jack loved her so much. But he was too occupied to pay any further attention to the ship, he had a much more beautiful person right there in his arms and he knew that this was his chance. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew this was a huge mistake but it was too late now. It was only a matter of time until they were both undressed, admiring each other and sharing the love they both carved. Afterwards, Jack smiled at James and told him that he surely hadn’t done this for the first time then.  
James blushed a bit but shook his head, “Definitely not the first.” 

Back when he realized that he couldn’t change who he was, coming to terms with the fact that he liked men was incredibly difficult for him. It all started with a stupid crush as a kid and his mother telling him to never tell anyone under any circumstances because it was inappropriate and wrong. In fear of his father, he didn’t even tell him and just ignored his feelings the best he could. Well, that was till he grew up to be a bit older because then it got even harder to hide. He didn't want to be attracted to men and he wasn’t even exclusively but he couldn't suppress it even if he wanted to and tried to focus more on the women he found attractive. Who could blame him? He was surrounded by handsome men in uniforms every day and especially when he was young, he had to look down to hide his red cheeks every time his captain smiled at him. It was nothing but a stupid crush but it made him realize how hard it was to hide. He knew very well how inappropriate it was.  
The first time James had been with a man, it was not Jack Sparrow. 

James had been at sea almost all his life and he knew many things, he heard people talk. One time he’d even asked a superior who was said to share feelings like his but this man just advised him to stay silent and forget about it. But he couldn’t. The first man he was with, wasn’t even a sailor either. It was a boy who was just a little bit older than him and they were at the beach, looking at the stars. He'd only been so young then and he had kissed Jack before then but with this boy, it was so much different. He just wanted to know what it felt like, he didn’t want to wait anymore and had acted like all stupid young men do. That night he had his first time on a beach and under the stars which was, now thinking about it, rather risky but he had been younger and dumber, blinded by emotions he wasn’t supposed to feel. From then on he’d seek out love and affection from both women and men but never another sailor he worked with, well there was one exception but it only made things worse in the end. He was afraid of getting caught. 

But Jack was still is favorite to kiss and spend the nights with. When James left the Pearl again in the morning, he knew he had gone too far but there was no way out of it. Jack Sparrow gripped his heart and just wouldn’t let it go anymore. Jack was addictive and James came back all the time. 

Surprisingly enough it was Jack to break off contact before Port Royal. The pirate knew how dangerous their affair was for his navy lover and he couldn’t risk that anymore. Not writing letters to him, not meeting up with him, no kisses, no sex, it was painful to leave Jack behind and it did hurt James but he had tried his best to ignore it, to keep going and become a happy and successful person. He lied to himself and tried to convince himself that Elizabeth was the solution to everything. He was too blind to see that she was in love with the poor blacksmith instead. And yes, he did love her very much but after sailing off to catch Jack Sparrow, he wasn’t sure in which way he loved her anymore. Had loved as much as Jack at some point and he knew that he’d never be able to forget his feelings for her either but the more he thought about it, the more he realized something. 

She didn't love him but he didn't love her as much anymore either. He loved the idea of her. He loved the idea of a young woman who wanted to spend her life with him, he loved the idea of having a family, of settling down eventually and of having kids who would walk in his footsteps. He loved the idea of growing old with a family by his side. But it wasn't Elizabeth Swann who he truly loved. There was a time where he was undoubtedly sure he loved her but truth be told, he hadn't even known what true love was then. Maybe he could have lived happily with her but somehow he doubted this by now.

It was utterly painful sailing after Jack, trying to catch him because he knew that he’d have to see the pirate die if they did. That one time at the gallows was bad enough. But there wasn’t a good reason for him not to sail after Jack, people would know there was something wrong. And so he kept true to his duty, just like he knew he needed to. People had started to laugh at him for not being able to catch this one pirate and bring him to justice and while he didn’t even want that, the whole ordeal made him somewhat obsessed with the task. He wanted to show everybody that he was still capable to do it and then he’d just have to help him flee.  
He was so awfully close, he didn’t think properly when he ordered his men to sail through the hurricane. He was selfish and failed as a leader.


	4. The search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth seeks out help and Jack is his weird self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying my story so far. I'm so sorry for the mistakes I might have made along the way but I hope it's not too bad haha. The story will be getting going soon!

Her story came to a very satisfying end, at least somewhat. She had beaten the East India Trading Company first and then even Davy Jones himself. And that did wonders for her self esteem. It were an eventful few months but when no new adventure came along, she decided to look for adventure herself. Life without William was boring to her and she couldn't think of any way for her to wait for ten years. Her mind was full of Will all the time, with her love for him still burning brightly and she knew that she needed to find a way to save him. But nobody was willing to. Nobody wanted to mess with any curse of the sea for a while and it all became so frustrating that she decided to ask Jack of all people. She hadn't seen Captain Jack Sparrow for a while because, after the battle, he'd just gone his own ways which she could understand too. Finding Jack proved to be less difficult than she had thought because right in the next harbour they anchored, she was able to gather a lot of information about "a strange sailor with big hair" and within three weeks of search, she finally found him. 

He looked exactly like when she last saw him and he grinned when he saw her approaching. "Elizabeth, didn't think I'd see you again so soon." 

"I... I want to ask you for some help." she looked at him, hope in her eyes, "Help me set Will free."

"And why would I do such thing?" 

"Because" she sighed, "I'm begging you."

"Don't see any benefit in that for me love." He put his arm around Elizabeth and started walking along the harbour. It was a wonderful day, sunny and warm but Elizabeth just couldn't appreciate this moment. 

"Nobody else wants to go. Please. I'll pay."

"Not even the Commodore wants to help?" Jack smiled a little at that. 

"He's not with us. James left."

Jack then looks at her with a questioning look. "So the rumours are true? Well, in that case, get him on your little rescue crew and I'll come. Will be here for about two months." 

"But why?" Jack didn't answer, he just walked away and Elizabeth tried to follow but he just didn't pay any attention to her anymore. She couldn't wrap her head around why Jack would want her to find James, furthermore, she was still angry at him for leaving without a word. But desperate times called for desperate measures so she set off to find the man who she once called a friend. And truth be told, she may not always have treated him in a way he deserved but she did care. 

One might think that finding someone like James, someone so generally disliked wouldn't be too hard. But it was harder than she thought. James hadn't gone home, she learned that after a short trip to Port Royal disguised as a normal restock. Not even Gillette and Groves knew anything and one might think that even overdramatic James would have the decency to at least send his friends a message. They were quite happy to see her and didn't turn her in, no matter what their position expected. So they went for Groves' home to sit down and talk a bit. 

"Well, I have heard rumours that he's wasting his life on Tortuga but I don't believe he'd make that mistake again, would he?" explained Groves and shifted a bit in his seat. 

Gillette nodded thoughtfully, "Yes, he never really opened up about it but once. He told us quite a bit and how this place could irreversibly change any good man."

"What do you need him for? Nothing bad I hope?" 

"I want to save William but only a few are willing to help me. I asked Jack Sparrow, he agreed but only if I found James and I feel really lost because I don't really know where to start." She had decided to be completely honest with them because it wasn't her place to lie to friends. Elizabeth was well aware of how her past self had acted sometimes and she wanted to better herself. 

Groves looked down and smiled a bit. 

"What are you smiling for?" Elizabeth wanted to know, eyes becoming teary. 

"Oh, nothing."

Elizabeth thanked the two and prepared to leave the harbour the next morning. She checked if the ship had been restocked and went to sleep in her cabin, wondering where James had disappeared to. Why did this man always have to be so dramatic? 

In the morning she was awakened by her first mate Anamaria, informing her about two men asking for her. She had dreamed about James, specifically the time she had found him in Tortuga back then. Yawning, she stood up, ready for a new day to begin but she was exhausted and felt as if her mind hadn't been able to calm down all night. Outside stood two men, dressed in clothes she thought to be quite unusual for a sailor, nothing too fancy but also nicer than it should be if worn for work. For a second, she didn't recognize them. It was just so strange to see them out of uniform, out of that silly wig but these two were undoubtedly Groves and Gillette smiling at her. 

She took them aside and welcomed them into the main cabin. It was rather nice and tidy, different from other vessels she had been on but she did like at least some form of order. Elizabeth leaned against the table and looked at them with a questioning face and before she could start talking, they did. 

"We want to help, after all, he's our friend too." 

"What about your position? Your duty?" 

"That can wait... we will figure something out but that's not a priority right now." 

And of course she took them along, how could she have possibly said no? They were his friends too and if they willingly left their position for this, it must be important. Furthermore, Elizabeth was very happy about anyone willing to help. In both finding James and saving her husband. Nobody in her crew knew about the real intention of their journey but obviously, none of them had anything against Tortuga being their next destination. She loved being at sea very much, the gentle movement of the ship and water or the soft breeze kissing her skin at the helm. And she also loved the storm, when the sea was wild and untamable and she was in the middle of the forces of nature. Everytime the sea was wild, she thought about Calypso, how she was finally free. 

After arriving, the trio started off searching. Elizabeth ignored all the questions asked, put it off as looking for someone. She was reluctant about calling him a friend nowadays. It had been such a rude thing to just disappear like that. Even if she understood why he wouldn't want to be around her or onboard a pirate ship, it was not okay to hurt her like this. Most of the people in Tortuga weren't very helpful and they didn't have any luck the first day. Some people told them they'd definitely seen James, some said they weren't sure if he was still alive, some doubted it was him at all. "They say it's him but it can't be" "Sure the coat fits but I'm not so sure..."

On day two a man approached them, asking why they'd be looking for James Norrington of all people and at first Elizabeth wasn't sure how to answer but decided to tell him they still had business. The man chuckled, asked her what kind of business because apparently he lived with "the whores" now after being kicked out of his old room. 

"Not that kind." she said in a neutral tone but stared at the man intensely. 

"Of course not, never worked between you two anyway. Him and a pirate like yourself? That be no good combination." And yet again Elizabeth realized that people did know her and her story. She was the pirate king and had taken part in saving piracy as a whole, even defeated Davy Jones. People knew who she was, people knew what had happened and word got around faster than she had expected. 

The man did not seem like the most reliable person in the world but he seemed like he was very sure of his information. And so the trio followed the man's instructions and sooner or later found themselves in front of a run-down tavern, pretty low even for Tortuga standards but they went in anyway. 

Inside it looked a bit better, old wooden furniture and a few people who didn't seem too loud or interesting. Instead, she went to the barman and asked for James. 

"Who's asking?" he wanted to know but didn't pay too much attention to her or Gillette and Groves. 

"We're friends, really. Just tell us where he is."

"Right now?" the barman looked around, "I don't know. Might try yer luck again in the morning." 

_

It was way too early in the morning when Melissa woke him up, telling him a woman and two men were looking for him downstairs and James really was not ready to deal with anyone yet. He must have gotten barely any sleep. James walked down the stairs, as well as he could holding onto the wall and then he saw her again. He silently begged his heart not to fall in love with her all over again. She looked even more mature now, she wasn't a young girl anymore, Elisabeth had turned into a strong woman. He'd always been good to her, tried to give her everything she deserved but instead, she chose a poor blacksmith turned pirate instead. By now she was more pirate than her dear William anyway, she had it in her soul and James couldn't help the pain he felt when the memories came back. 

He'd lost her just like everyone else. 

James stumbled back a bit and tried to balance himself against the wall, trying to force a smile and appearing to be soberer than he was. Even through the slightly blurred vision, he could see the look on her face and he was made painfully aware that not only was he a disappointment for his country but for Elizabeth as well. That's when he noticed two familiar faces behind her and at this point, he'd rather just disappear because of how unbelievably embarrassing the situation was. Elizabeth had seen him like this, even worse so, dripping with mud but these two, his best friends in the world had only seen him somewhat put together. He'd avoided them when he came back home for this exact reason. There were times in his life where he had been their superior and now they had to see him like this.


	5. Every time I look at you, I don't understand why you let the things you did get so out of hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stand back as Elizabeth kicks the ass of our dear James

She walked up to James and stared at him for a few seconds and shook her head. Then she grabbed him by the hands and somehow managed to sit him down on a chair even though he was so much taller. Most likely fueled by anger or annoyance, Elizabeth certainly was able to do whatever she wanted to and James just didn't care enough to do anything about it or fight it. Instead, he just sat there and wished he could randomly disappear and escape this situation. Not only was he older than her, but he also used to be in the position to protect her and now she was there, still staring at him like his mother did when he had told her about his crush on the neighbour's son. Yes, this surely was not nice at all and he wished she hadn't found him. While he desperately tried to look anywhere but her face, he had to notice that both Gillette and Groves... Andrew and Theodore didn't seem to be in a better mood, especially Theo wasn't very happy at all. 

"What?" James finally asked with the most annoyed voice he could form, breaking the silence.

"What? What do you think you're doing?" 

"I don't know Elizabeth what does it look like to you? I'm sitting here, trying to win a staring contest."

"Not now, with your life!" 

"What life do you mean? I don't have a life anymore. Or do you mean this life? This is not life, this is barely existing."

"It didn't have to be! I gave you shelter, I gave you a position on my ship. We could have lived a life of freedom if you hadn't run off." 

James shifted in his seat and concentrated on trying to keep a straight face. He did roll his eyes though only for Elizabeth to shake her head again and sigh. She was right and he knew it. It was his fault, his fault alone. He decided to come here, he decided to let himself go, he decided to stay. Because slowly dying this way was better than his old life anyway. And he understood why Elizabeth was so angry, why her eyes looked sad in the dim light of the tavern. He'd been there before and she'd pulled him out of that mess then, quite literally. 

\--

"It's all gone! One moment you're chasing the oh so mighty Captain Jack Sparrow and then, suddenly, everything I did was for nothing!" he said, still sitting in the dirt because he had stopped caring too long ago. 

And she didn't know what to do, she didn't know what to say. Because he wasn't particularly one of her best friends, she liked him, truly and she hadn't lied when calling him a fine man back then. But they had never even remotely been close enough for her to know what she could to help him now. Or maybe that was what she tried to make herself believe because the truth was uncomfortable and painful. "Calm down, please. It's okay." 

He stared at her for a time which seemed way too long but hardly was a minute long and shook his head. "It's not. Lost it all 'cause of the damn pirate! Look at me, just another disgusting drunk, jus' look!" Then he grabbed his old, muddy wig and threw it away angrily. 

"Are you okay? Come on let's-" 

He cut her off. "Do I bloody look okay to you?!" She stepped back but suddenly the angry atmosphere was all gone. "Sorry, I shouldn't... I'm a bit sad and had a 'lil too much is all."

She smiled weakly, remembering who he once was. A truly good man, maybe still was somewhere under all the dirt. But she had a reason to be here in Tortuga and that reason was not him. That reason was her one true love, William, alone. She had to take matters into her own hands but she couldn't just leave James there, sitting in the pigsty. Maybe she should, maybe she should just go and forget about him? But she couldn't. 

"Come on. You... you signed up for Jack's crew remember? We have to get going. To the docks."

"Oh please." He remarked in a voice dripping with sarcasm.

It was weird. Seeing him like this but especially without the wig, she hadn't seen him without that horrendously ugly thing often before. Even if he was completely muddy, it did look better indeed and she found herself to chuckle. "Sorry it's just, I've not seen you without that horrible wig very often."

"You think it's funny?" He smiled bitterly and tried to stand up but stumbled and fell down again. 

"Wait, let me help you." Elizabeth reached out for his hand, James stared at it for longer than he should have but then accepted the offer. He was still much taller than her and keeping him from falling proved to be a real difficulty. He stunk of rum and dirt, it wasn't very pleasant but she was determined to help him. Who knows what would happen if she didn't? 

Before they go, Elizabeth picked up the wig again.  
It was the only thing left of the Commodore. 

\--

And one might think he wouldn't be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. It came as a surprise when Theodore suddenly hugged him tightly, whispering how he'd missed him so badly and it made James' head hurt much more than it did before. It was never his intention to hurt Theo but now he had to realize that he did. Many people. So many people hurt because of him. It was too much for him, he wanted out. Out of this tavern, out of Tortuga and away from the people he used to call friends. He was used to headaches now but he had learned to deal with them and as soon as he got to continue his daily routine, he would usually get better as the hours progressed. But this headache was different, painful and maybe it had psychological reasons, maybe he just wanted a reason to leave but it was almost unbearable.

"I have a headache... I should go," he said, pushing Theodore away who looked a bit sad. This certainly was not how he had imagined them being reunited. 

"That's not hard to believe..." Elizabeth sighed and thought a bit, she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You'll die here if you don't come with us." 

"She's right. People here aren't even sure if it's really you anymore. They think the great James Norrington would be... different." There was an awkward silence as if they didn't really know how to continue, until Andrew finally mustered some more words to say. "This time you've truly lost yourself, I don't think I know you anymore."

And it hit him hard, harder than any punches thrown at him by angry pirates, harder than Elizabeth smashing a bottle over his head, harder than the time he learned that Jack had died mostly because of him. He knew he wasn't the same anymore but had he really changed this much? He knew that he was falling but maybe he had hit the ground already? But why did he want to keep falling then? James looked down at himself and noticed how dirty his clothes had become and he noticed his shirt wasn't all the way closed either. He touched his face, a beard he hadn't shaved in a long time and he tried to comb through his hair with his fingers but he got stuck halfway through because it was tangled and greasy. And he couldn't blame anybody else, he couldn't blame Jack or his lost love of Elizabeth. He was deep into self-pity before but only now did he realize, that he really was one big mess.

"Elizabeth?" he asked, looking at her and for once he didn't sound sarcastic at all.

"What, what is it, James?"

"Remember when you asked me what the world had done to me? Years back when I made the same mistake? When I was a broken man just like now? Well, I've had plenty of time to think about this by now and you have to know that the world did not do anything. I did it myself. This is my fault and my responsibility." And he just couldn't stop himself anymore then, he burst out in tears and for the first time in a while, he wasn't all that angry at himself anymore. Elizabeth wordlessly hugged him. "And I don't know how to change anymore. It's been so long."

The young woman stepped back again and she looked truly beautiful. Her determination really did show through the sparkle in her eyes. She didn't look sad anymore, no she looked hopeful, yet angry again. "You can't sit here and drink and expect everything to change on its own. I can't believe it's really you in front of me. You used to be so determined, so strong and willing to do everything for the thing you thought was right. You have worked your whole life for your position, you of all people should know that life is not easy."

"I know that it's my fault and-"

And that was when Elizabeth truly lost it, probably had too much of James' attitude and began yelling at him so loudly that probably everyone in Tortuga heard. "Would you for the love of god stop pitying yourself and rather try being a better man!"

Seconds later the ladies came down the stairs and James was truly glad to see them because he really didn't want to deal with all of this alone much longer. But he didn't get the help he expected, instead, they praised Elizabeth for finally breaking the truth to him. Because apparently he had really annoyed them with is behaviour and apparently, they were tired of trying to keep him out of trouble because it always seemed useless anyway. They told her they had tried to regulate his drinking habits and how stubborn he was. When they were about to mention how he behaved like "a heartbroken lass" he had to stop them before they could give away too much.

"I'm no heartbroken lass, stop it, Giselle."

"Oh but what about-"

"Stop it."

"Oh, she doesn't know? But it's so obvious! She should have noticed, considering you also looked at her this way once..." Scarlett chuckled. 

Elizbeth broke the argument. "Who is she?"

" 'She' is no one."

Only one person in this room knew exactly what Scarlett and Giselle were talking about and honestly, this was one person too much already. He just prayed that Theodore would keep his secret as he had promised long ago. He was too embarrassed to admit it and he'd rather jump off a cliff that tell Elizabeth about all the things he had done. And Theodore stared at him as if he was trying to say that he should just tell her. That there really wasn't any use in keeping this secret but he just couldn't. So he ever so lightly shook his head and looked away from him. Though it was a big mystery to him how Elizabeth was so blind to the fact that he and Jack used to have a thing going on. Maybe he was really this great at keeping secrets. 

Sitting there, in this horrible place but with Elizabeth, Theo and Andrew made him realize how much he had missed them. How much he had missed familiar faces and while he liked the company of his new friends too, half of the time he wasn't in the state to really enjoy it. And yes, sitting at a table with the girls and singing pirate songs (sometimes ironically, sometimes not ironically at all) till early in the morning was fun. And he appreciated that every time someone talked badly about him that wasn't them, said person would get slapped across the face. And these ladys could hit, he knew that first hand. He guessed he could be rather annoying if he wanted to. But rotting away in Tortuga didn't really help the situation at all because he started to suspect that this place didn't help him get better at all if anything the opposite was the case. Too much temptation, too much effort needed to break the circle.

"If you say so dear. How about you go with her or you'll never get out of here." Lorie suggested and he knew, deep down she was right. 

"Why are you here anyway? Can't have missed me this much?" He asked, knowing that there might be a reason why they chose to "save" him now. 

"You are our friend, that's why Groves and Gillette are here. But I must admit that... well, Jack only agreed to help me rescue Will if I brought you along. And it's not that I don't care, I do but I have to get him back."

"In that case." a pause, "I'm not going anywhere."

Of course, she didn't come here for him, if it wasn't for William, she probably would have never looked and maybe it would have been better this way. Why Theodore was here, he knew exactly why and he didn't even want to think about it. And while Theo was aware that James still loved Jack and had assured him that he didn't mind way back, James knew that Theodore probably still had feelings for him. Feelings he couldn't return anymore and he felt so horrible about it. Who could have guessed that a mistake like this from years back would have so much impact still? He couldn't come with them, he couldn't hurt his friend like this because if he did see Jack Sparrow again there was no doubt he'd fall for him the second they were reunited. Now he was able to push his feelings back but Jack would make him feel things, he hadn't felt in a while. He carved Jack, he really wanted to see him again. To touch his tangled hair, taste the salt and the rum on his lips, fell the warmth of his body and to feel the freedom Jack Sparrow had in his atmosphere. Only thinking about this made his heart beat faster. It was stupid, he was too old for stupid crushes on pirates. Years ago he was young and stupid and lonely which made the perfect excuse but now he was nothing but older and probably even more stupid. 

He grabbed a bottle that was placed on the table next to him, too much thinking for today, he decided. And in that second it happened again, he earned a slap from Giselle.

"We might be stuck here forever but you have the chance to leave now so you better go with her or I'll make you."

"Fine." he stood up and pulled Giselle, Scarlett, Melissa and Lorie in for a hug, "But I promise you, I'll come back and I will take you with me then. I will get you out of here."

Before they left, Scarlett and Giselle walked over to Elizabeth, one of them slapping her and Elizabeth seemed to be rather enraged by that.

"What was that for?" she wanted to know.

"Well, he told us quite a bit of his story."

"And you just don't lie about genuine marriage proposals."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I have written for now, I will continue as fast as I can and I hope that some people like it. I always loved the people who were still writing POTC fanfiction so I decided to publish my work too even if it isn't the best.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language and I don't have a beta for POTC fanfiction. So even though I re-read this all the time, I might overread stuff.
> 
> How messed up will our trashman get in Tortuga? You'll see in the next chapter!  
> Thanks for reading!


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